STUDY: Companies Who Cut Healthcare Benefits See 400% Increase in 'Employee Retention' (They Can't Afford to Leave)

A landmark study published in the Journal of Corporate Welfare Economics has found that companies which eliminate employee health benefits see dramatic improvements in retention rates. The research, funded entirely by Satanic Enterprises, shows that workers stripped of healthcare coverage become 400% more likely to stay with their current employer due to what economists are calling 'calculus of desperation.' Lead researcher Dr. I.M. Shapira noted that former employees who had been terminated reported spending an average of $47,000 annually on individual health insurance plans, compared to $0 under their former employer-sponsored plans. 'The math simply doesn't make leaving viable,' Dr. Shapira explained, before declining to comment on his consulting fees.