BREAKING: Satanic Enterprises Acquires Local Hospital, Immediately Converts to 'Wellness & Wellness-Adjacent Services'
In a move that has healthcare advocates concerned and investors excited, Satanic Enterprises has completed its acquisition of St. Mary's Regional Medical Center for what sources describe as 'an unconscionable amount of money.' The hospital, which previously served the community for 87 years, will be rebranded as 'St. Mary's Wellness Center (For Well-Adjacent Conditions Only).' Within hours of the acquisition, the new management announced that the emergency room would be converted into a 'pre-emergency screening facility' that primarily refers patients elsewhere. The hospital's oncology department was renamed 'OncologyLite' and will now only treat 'statistically unlikely' cancers. ICU beds have been reclassified as 'premium relaxation pods' with massage chairs.
"Healthcare is just another market opportunity. Why treat sick people when we can wellness-shame them into buying our supplements?"
— Asbestos Monica, Chief Legal Officer
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